I take my time to write again

I take my time to write again,

To wipe my tears and erase the pain,

To give myself a big wide grin,

To say fuck-off and close the scene.

I take my time to write again,

To fight with hurt and walk in vain,

To give myself a happier day,

When the sun is bright, I’ll make my hay.

I take my time to write again,

To wipe my mind off disdain,

You may be happy or you may be sad,

Either way it will make me glad.

I take my time to write again,

To take my mind to a boisterous lane,

Where the children are happy with a game to play,

Where the wise will smile but have nothing to say.

I take my time to write again,

To sit in a room and watch the rain,

With a smoke on my lips and a cosy bed,

And library of books willing to be read.

I take my time to write again,

To hear my songs and feel more sane,

Where words are true and tune is real,

Where my mind and heart can hear and feel.

I take me time to write again,

To open my heart and close the brain,

To feel my love flowing in my heart,

And to hold my pen and never break apart.

Random thoughts

Undetermined, unfathomable, limitless
Unmindful, unsuccessful, careless
How strange…random words…
So meaningless yet so meaningful!
Unadulterated freedom…
Perhaps too lenient a right…
The use of words!
How strange…random thoughts…
So weak yet so powerful…
Pure luxury of a worriless mind!
Perhaps too ambiguous … to the outsider…
The use of thoughts…
Unending joy… crude poetry?
Poetry it is, is it not?
How strange…random judgement…
So important…yet so useless…
Complete dominance of a beautiful mind
Perhaps too rebellious… the human heart…
Invincible power…
Unauthorised dominance
Inexistent shyness…
Unbound happiness…random feelings…
Yet it is so beautiful…is…unaccountable sadness!

Random thoughts

The letters

The letters never cared They seemed to be comfortable with one another I observed them closely…very closely ‘A’ seemed to be the nicest He partnered everybody And everybody liked to have him around So did ‘E’, and ‘O’ except That some they were a little partial Towards certain other letters Although it was quite lonely X was the most powerful of them all To know the power I read aloud “Say-X” Not only that anything unknown We call it ‘x’…what a privilege! Shall we say the privilege goes down As we come to the end? No? Of course not! What about ‘S’, ‘T’, ‘O’ and ‘P’? ‘Q’? Well yes considering it can hardly live without “U” Even when one pronounces it? ’Z’? To an extent yes… But when you play scrabble, Z’ll give you 10. ‘G’, ‘I’…they form a good combo in ‘give’ ‘C’,‘F’,’K’, ‘U’... Form a good combo with substantial difference in their position ’N’,’I’,’L’? Nah they also have some value ‘Y’? Why? Not so bad It starts ‘You’ Let ‘B’ be a bee thing with a sting For it starts something we all like to kick. ‘R’,’S’? Read it very fast stressing only on the sound They are important you see! What’s left? ‘B’,’J’…no ‘B’ is taken ‘V’,’J’ They form a word themselves unlike ‘B’,’J’ ‘C’,‘D’? You read it right? Need ‘I’ say anything more?

Why I do science

Just the other day, after a not-so-pleasant meeting with my discussion with my boss...I started asking myself the following question: Why am I doing science? It's a question that many have asked me, the list includes the closest people I know. Some have said, and continue to say that I should have taken up literature or any form of liberal arts. Some of them have said, I should have just taken up engineering and led an easier corporate life (I don't mean to say that my Engg friends have a much better life). Others have said that I am just meant for management. A few have also ventured into music and painting. Only one or two had said that a career in science would suit me. As far as I remember, at first I wanted to be a pilot, and pretty soon it changed to being a leg spinner who was also an engineer. That was sometime in class 6-7. Ever since that only two things had stayed with me...a footballer (that was a dream) or a scientist (the more realistic). I did not what in science interested me. I think it's more about the pride involved...What I mean to say is that I would everyone say "That my dad is a doctor, or my mum's a journo...", none of them would ever leave a mark on me, but if someone said "My father is a scientist", I would always wonder "What's he like!" That always interested me. Then in class 10 I read about genetic engineering and cloning...and I was fascinated. Was it really possible? Can people actually do that. I would tell myself that when I grow up, I would want to do that kind of work. Meanwhile I grew up, read a little more about science. Chemistry interested me a lot...I would say that I was natural with theoretical chemistry (please don't read that "I got a lot of marks in chemistry"). Then slowly slowly genetic engineering started leaving me and chemistry started to take more of a centre stage. I changed my interests now, I told myself I would want to do something that involved both chemistry and biology. I tried in several places and after several rejections, I went to study pure chemistry further and further and further. Ultimately while doing Masters I came close to doing a bit of genetic engineering and I did routine cloning experiments and realized that, since I couldn't quite see what exactly is happening, it is not my glass of beer. Then came the idea of doing medicinal chemistry. I was indeed very happy when I joined for PhD at JNCASR. But soon I realized that I wasn't quite tailor-made for life@JNCASR. I was not happy initially and by this time I started doing real science. As I went along, failures and frustrations kept adding up. Several times I felt like quitting. But why is it that I did not? The truth is I just wanted to do science. I want to get a PhD. I am sure initially my boss had very high expectations from me. But may be slowly he had to come to terms with my several limitations. But with all his frustrations with me, and my frustrations with myself, I could never leave it entirely. So why am I doing science? Is it just because I want a PhD? A part of it is true, I always wanted that degree. But is that all? See the work that I do always has some promise. The promise of curing something. The promise giving something to the world that nobody has yet given. It doesn't have to be the next penicillin or the next Taxol. But even if it is small, it will be still novel. I always believed that whatever you do should be different. I am not saying everyone has to know about it and you have to become an instant celebrity. But it should create some impact somewhere. May be by looking at the failure of my drug, someone else would be able to create another. That will eventually contribute towards the progress of science. And that's what keeps me going. There are days when I feel terribly low, there can be several reasons, sometimes I feel I am not up to the mark, sometimes it's the boss effect, sometimes I miss the people closest to me and sometimes I feel jealous of everyone around who has a smile on their face (silly as it may sound). But nothing deters me from going back to the lab and painting pictures of new potential drug designs (almost 99% of them can't be created). But those designs keeps me afloat. I feel great, I feel I have done a lot of science. But the actually I have not even done 1%. The challenge is to do the next 50%. I try and fail and land up in misery, but when I tell myself that it is my design and may be my intuition is right, I start working on it again. This feeling of belonging towards a molecule is another reason why I do science. I know most of us do not always like to sit in a seminar. But sometimes I find it fascinating. As many of you might know (some with a little bit of disregard for this liking of mine) that I enjoy talking and I enjoy talking about my interests, I always wondered how it would be if I could go up and talk about my path-breaking work (currently it is breaking my path towards achieving a PhD)! I don't know how good or bad I would be but still if there is even 1% of the audience appreciating me, it would give me immense pleasure and I would believe that yes my science is not a complete failure. This lure of taking up stage and lecturing people (admit it, we all like to do it, not necessarily in front of an audience though) also contributes to my interest in doing science. Through your research you can reach to the world. You get to meet different people with a common interest. Most importantly you get to taste a lot of grey matter and sometimes that gives me immense pleasure. I believe the biggest challenge for a young scientist is designing a new experiment and for that your knowledge of the field and a little bit of grey matter is necessary. And for people like me who are fooled into believing that they have a little bit of grey matter, that's the most relishing part. (Mind you I still haven't done any of the things that I have mentioned.) The hope that one day I would be able to design a very nice experiment to prove my hypothesis, urges me to do science. The last part is silly but interesting. Every successful scientist gets to travel a lot. I always had wanderlust. I hope that one day I would be a little successful and get to see the world. That is another reason why I do science. I know I might have bored a lot of you. I might have irritated a few too. But if I have shared any of your thoughts through my writing, I would know that I am not too bad a scientist.

Reflections off a shiny cup

I held the cup in my hand.
I looked at my reflection on its shiny surface.
It was somewhat flattened, my image,
It seemed as if somebody pulled both my cheeks real hard
And they wouldn’t retract.
I smiled and the image became even funnier!
I laughed this time…
Although the image wasn’t very clear,
One could still make out the redness of my eyes!
I wish I had a picture like Dorian Gray,
Where I could hide my abominations.
I held the cup a little further away.
Everything else was visible now;
The red curtain, the dark road out through the window and the red apple.
The red apple on the table looked
More like a speck of blood on a shapeless table.
Martha lying on the floor looked out of place…
Her eyes were open and lifeless.
The sea of red blood encumbered her head,
The slope of the floor had taken the blood to the other side of the room.
I put the cup down and dragged in the smoke from a half-burnt cigarette
Until it burnt my lungs…then I looked at the cup again.
Now I could see my hand, and the knife
The knife seemed to bleed too...
The colour on it was darker than the flowing blood!

Palmistry

I wonder how palmistry works or so does astrology
Can they read even a dog's paw?
If I give them my pet's time or birth
Can they predict their future too?
What about the future of India then
Can the rivers act as lines of the palm
If India is the palm itself!
Can all countries have their future red?
Can't the astrologers suggest good stones to them
Can we avert our problems then?